Here's some sound advice on giving advice - Don't! However, most likely this advice too will fall on deaf ears. But that just proves point - doesn’t it?
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All of us use different styles of communication when interacting with people around us - at work, and in life. Some of the most frequently used styles include Advising, Criticising, Empathising and Searching (or Enquiring).
All of us use each of these at different times, depending on context - who we are speaking with, what the situation demands etc. However, over time, each of us develops preference for a particular style, and it becomes our dominant style when communicating.
While each of the styles is effective under certain circumstances and should be part of your repertoire, some are clearly less effective when they become your dominant or only communication style.Most people get it that Criticism is not likely to be a very effective way of getting your message across.
However, even Advising can be an ineffective communication style. Here are some of reasons why you must be careful not to overuse the Advising style of communication.
Advice is our answer to other people’s problems
But the other person may not really be looking for an answer. They may just want to discuss it with someone - to test their own thinking, to hear another perspective. When you give advice, you are potentially doing so at the expense of their personal and professional growth. Creating dependency.
Advice may be considered as insult
Communications expert and author Robert Bolton, considers giving advice “ a basic insult to the intelligence of the other person”. When we are free with advice, we are also likely to be signalling that we do not trust the other person to be capable of understanding and managing their own challenges.
Advice may not be appropriate
A common challenge when dealing with other people’s problems, is this - what we know of the other person’s situation is often the ‘tip of iceberg’. It is rare for us to fully understand the challenges and consequences of the problem the other person is facing, so our advice is very unlikely to address all the underlying issues, complexity and trade-offs that the person is faced with
Advice may be self serving
Sometimes our advice is less about the other person and more about demonstrating our own knowledge or superiority. Or worse, we might have our own axe to grind - something that we wish to sell or some way to benefit ourselves, and might not be the best solution for the person we are advising
Advice is Seldom Heeded
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
While Oscar Wilde’s insight is based on observing humanity through an artistic lens, this is also confirmed by scientific studies. Also, we seem to have an inbuilt aversion to receiving advice, which may probably be explained by how being offered advice ticks all right boxes for triggering our brain’s threat response.
