5 Reasons You Need To Have That Difficult Conversation You are Avoiding

Engaging in difficult conversations the right way is a critical leadership skill. Leaders who shirk away from difficult conversations or handle them wrong, inevitably limit their leadership impact, and eventually their own growth

Most leaders I work with instinctively understand the importance of improving their skills at holding difficult conversations. However, many forego the opportunity of developing this vital skill - by avoiding difficult conversations as much as they can.

When challenged, these leaders usually provide a number of reasons why they are justified in doing so. However, closer examination of these justifications shows them to be unfounded. When leaders are willing to put aside some of their assumptions and beliefs, they find that there are a number of reasons for embracing difficult conversations

Creating the impact you desire

Nothing significant is achieved without changing the status quo. When leaders start making changes to what people are used to and comfortable with, there is resistance.

Leaders who want to be liked shirk away from facing this resistance. Those who value creating significant positive impact over maintaining the facade of being a "nice leader" grasp the opportunity for dialogue. They understand that creating the impact they desire lies on the other side of one or more difficult conversations.

Learning to manage difficult conversations effectively is a necessary skill for leaders who wish to amplify their impact.

Avoiding bad trade-offs

One of the principal reasons that difficult conversations are difficult, is because they involve emotional discomfort - for themselves and for the person across the table.

We are conditioned to avoid emotional distress, because it can be as painful as physical pain. So our natural response is to avoid this pain by avoiding putting ourselves in situations that are likely to trigger it.

However, this relief is temporary. Just as popping a painkiller is unlikely to heal a serious wound, avoiding raising an important but contentious issue is likely to lead to serious consequences in the future.

Therefore, avoiding a difficult conversation is usually a bad trade-off: choosing short term relief and incurring significant costs in the long-term.

Ensuring mental well-being

While avoiding a difficult conversation can spare you the emotional pain that accompanies conflict, when the issue has significance and meaning for you, you are merely suppressing more primary emotions. This bottling up of frustration builds up as stress.

If left unaddressed, this stress can lead to a burn out, or a blow out, and negatively impact your psychological well-being.

Learning to get better at difficult conversations involves learning to recognise your emotions and express them appropriately. Leaders who embrace rather than avoid difficult conversations, become skilled at emotional self control, which in turn improves mental well-being.

Saying No to Say Yes

Some of the common types of difficult conversations involve saying no to someone in power, or people you respect and value. This is especially true when you have to say no to something that is important to them.

The problem with saying yes indiscriminately to other people's priorities, is that they put a significant demand on your time, energy and attention. As a result, you are left with little bandwidth for your own priorities - the unique ways in which you contribute to the organization.

Avoiding difficult conversations is an invitation to spread yourself thin, and reduces your leadership impact.

Building Stronger Relationships

Leaders who avoid difficult conversations, often do so for fear of damaging relationships with people around them. They are concerned that hurting people's feelings, even when the situation justifies it, will result in permanent damage to their relationship.

On the other hand, leaders who routinely engage in difficult conversations the right way, find that they are in partnership, developing shared goals, working in an environment of mutual respect and safety. All these conditions are conducive to building greater trust and deeper connection.

Therefore, engaging skilfully in difficult conversations is more likely to strengthen your relationships rather than damage them.

To conclude, leaders must embrace difficult conversations, to enhance their leadership impact, avoid bad trade-offs, promote mental well-being for themselves and others, retain focus on critical priorities, and build stronger relationships.

Credits: Image by Kai Schreiber  via flickr.com